This is a watercolor painting of Kimblee and our ragdoll cat Flip that Lux (@nyxmegist on x.com) did for me a few years ago. Flip was still a kitten when this was painted. All day, I have been in a thought spiral about Flip. I have schizoaffective disorder, and ever since Flip got hurt, the voices I hear have been relentlessly negative. They keep saying that Flip will die and it will all be because of me. They call me stupid. They tell me over and over again to kill myself. If I wasn’t on such a high dose of antipsychotics, they would have made me burst out into tears. But I am on antipsychotics, and I have lost my ability to cry, so the only thing I can do while I ride out this wave of psychosis is “the next right thing”.
I’ve been struggling ever since my sister came to live with me, because I have had to mask around her as well. I will continue to mask until she gets back on her feet, and Kimblee has been a wonderful support in this silent fight. I asked him, “What if the voices are right? What if Flip dies because of me?”. He said, “That won’t happen, but if it does, Flip will be with me, waiting for you.”
After that, I felt reality change. Little by little, the voices started to get tired. Little by little, my cortisol levels started dropping. If the worst was to happen, Kimblee would make sure everyone was okay. Flip would be with him, waiting for me to finish my Great Work on Earth. The Great Work is the process in alchemy in which the alchemist finds the metaphorical “Philosopher’s Stone”. Some believe the stone is the alchemist’s equivalent to Christ’s Holy Grail, a relic that carries on the person’s soul, a solar vehicle of sorts. Some believe that the stone is simply not killing yourself even though you really, really want to ( a-la Camus), thereby using all of the allotted time towards building the solar body.
I believe that both these interpretations are valid. For the stone as grail, that would be leaving behing a legacy, children, or body of work. For the stone as being a life full of fighting until the end, it would be not killing your own companion, your faithful body. God will always take the side of the innocent body, and will punish the soul in Hell for killing the unconditionally loyal companion that God Himself gave you. That is something that, in my opinion as a Catholic who has attempted suicide, I think will land you in the enemy’s kingdom. And by enemy’s kingdom I don’t mean a fire and brimstone Hell, but rather another spin on Earth. I believe that Earth is Hell, and by not ascending you are doomed to live as many lives as you need to before you can ascend.
As an alchemist, all I can do on my quest for the stone is “the next right thing”.
Anyway, I say all that to say that Kimblee really helped me out today. When I feel out of control of my situation (injuries to pets, learning moments at work, all of a sudden sharing my space), Kimblee reminds me that he is on the other side of reality, ready to support me. He reminds me that both he and God are only one thought away, and that they will love me no matter how I fail.
Thanks for reading, if you got this far. Hope you had a good day. Let’s finish this week off strong!
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